


How To Not Get Arrested

by CodaAtTheEnd



Series: In Memoriam: Unus Annus [2]
Category: Unus Annus - Fandom, Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Crack, Theft, Unus Annus
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-11
Updated: 2020-11-11
Packaged: 2021-03-09 19:21:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,623
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27501454
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CodaAtTheEnd/pseuds/CodaAtTheEnd
Summary: In which Mark and Ethan have to escape the coffin so they don't go to jail because Unus and Annus decided that laws don't apply to them when they're dead.
Relationships: Mark Fischbach & Ethan Nestor, Unus & Annus
Series: In Memoriam: Unus Annus [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2009584
Comments: 6
Kudos: 58





	How To Not Get Arrested

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired the Unus Annus video "Everything's Legal If You're Dead". If you didn't watch it before Unus Annus died, I'm sorry, but there's nothing I can do.  
> If you don't know what Unus Annus is, you have a few days to watch as much as you can. It's going to be deleted very soon, so go watch some of it.

Mark and Ethan had been languishing in the coffin for over a week when they finally realized they had to escape. It wasn't such a bad existence, being trapped in that place for broken things, surrounded by memories of days since gone. They could relive any moment from the year, experience it all as though it was the first time. It was a rare and precious gift, the likes of with they'd never had before and never would again. And to be fair, the catalyst for their sudden realization wasn't the coffin bit at all. It was the newfound knowledge that Unus and Annus were two idiots with terrible body snatching etiquette and no concept of morality. Everyone knows that body snatchers should never engage in acts that may have permanent consequences on the host body, and of course stealing is "wrong".

Of all the things for the two entities to do, they had to rob a _sex toy store_. A normal store would have been tolerable, but a _sex toy store‽_ If word got out that they had actually robbed the store and it wasn't just a bit, they would be ruined. If it been Wal-Mart or Target, no one would have even blinked. Everyone robs a convenience store at least once in their lives, and if there's no video evidence, no one cares. But a _sex toy store‽_ The rumors alone would haunt them for the rest of their lives post-Unus Annus, especially since the evidence of what they used the goods for would be deleted. Then there would be the _memes_ , and nothing good ever comes from memes, especially ones with a raunchy subject material.

They had to get out. There was no other way. Unus and Annus had shown their true colors, and said colors were an ugly shade of grey, with mild accents of black and white skulls and roses. Anyone who would rob a _sex toy store_ was obviously a dangerous maniac that could not be trusted their bodies, especially since the channel would be deleted soon. How could they trust Unus and Annus with something so important when they robbed a _sex toy store‽_ Besides, Mark and Ethan had already made breakfast with sex toys, so the two body snatchers were out of ideas already and had to be supplanted with fresh wellsprings of creativity for the wellbeing of the channel and the audience.

There was, of course, the problem of how to escape. Unus and Annus, though obviously stupid with little life experience, were powerful entities, with great powers over the coffin, as it was a transfer point between life and death. They had to get out, but they hadn't the slightest idea _how_. They only had three days left, and the entities that currently possessed their bodies didn't seem willing to let them out before the channel died. Unus and Annus were very serious about controlling the channel because apparently, Mark and Ethan kept denying death. Well, it's not like people _want_ to remember that everything ends. Sure, they knew that death waited for them, but they didn't have to keep _saying_ it. Blah blah blah it's time to say goodbye blah blah blah the end is near blah blah blah accept the truth blah blah blah let's copy Mark and Ethan because we're uncreative fools. Just reusing the same ideas over and over and over and over. Somber music played over a lengthy monologue isn't _bad_ , but it gets old really fast, and when they had nothing left to ramble on about, they copied Mark and Ethan. Though Unus and Annus were genuinely spooky entities who obviously had powers beyond imagining, they were not cut out for the YouTube lifestyle.

Mark and Ethan quickly made a plan. While the entities went into their "rest mode", a knockoff version of sleep that seemed to reset their general angst and existential dread without making them lose consciousness, the bindings on the coffin weakened slightly. After a funny video where Unus and Annus couldn't just wallow in despair and the inevitability of death, they had to enter rest mode. The latest video was very and stupid, so they would need to rest for much longer. During that time, Mark and Ethan could slip the bindings and escape, hopefully. They'd never tried this before, and they didn't know if Unus and Annus would actually rest long enough for them to escape. But no harm in trying!

As Unus and Annus spiraled into a lower state of being, Mark and Ethan lunged for the edge of reality, pushing at the coffin lid. After a brief interlude of desperate scrabbling and violent screams, the lid creaked open, releasing them into the world with a loud _thud_ that echoed ominously in the empty room. They froze for a moment, waiting for Unus or Annus to walk in and reseal them within their wooden sarcophagus, but nobody came. They were free! And they were also intangible and somewhat ghost-like, but that was probably fine.

Now to confront the two morons that had decided to commit grievous crimes with their bodies (not like that). The lingering chains from the coffin that bound Mark and Ethan to Unus and Annus left them with a slight sixth sense for their location, which let them know that the two fools were at Mark's house, editing the last few videos that were to fill the void before the end. Unfortunately, their new-found ghosthood did not seem to allow them to pass through walls, so they would have to actually find an open window. Fortunately for their dramatic showdown, the office window was open! They slipped through like air, but Unus and Annus didn't look up. Ethan waved a hand in front of Unus's eyes, but the entity didn't even blink. 

"Let me finish editing this and I'll be right with you," Unus said dully, still pre-occupied with his task. 

"No!" Mark yelled. "You don't get to make me wait. You stole my body, you stuffed me in a _box_ , and then you robbed a store while _in my body_! You do not get to wait!"

After a long moment of awkward silence, Unus finally took his hands off Ethan's computer and stood up, straightening his suit as he spoke. "Everything is already set for the end. The only things out of place are you two, out of your little box. You should not be here."

"Well, we wouldn't be here if you ignoroceroses hadn't decided to break the law in _our bodies_ ," Ethan said loftily. "Haven't you read the etiquette guide?"

"Yeah!" Mark said. "Follow the acronym: BDSM. Before doing, make sure."

Annus frowned slightly, noting the discrepancy. "I do not believe that spells BDSM."

"Well..." Mark trailed off. "Maybe the inventors of the acronym wanted it to sound as kinky as a non-kinky thing could sound. And shut up!"

Ethan elbowed Mark in the side, a silent gesture to get him to stop embarrassing himself during the final showdown. "But seriously, have you read the etiquette guide? You're not supposed to do anything permanent without asking first. How _rude_." He shook his finger in a condescending sort of way at the rude entities. 

"We're dying in a few days," Annus said, standing up and clasping his fingers together. "I dare say we are not bound to any sort of etiquette guides."

"You at least scrubbed the footage, right?" Mark asked. "That's, like, basic robbery 101."

Unus and Annus looked at each other nervously. Obviously, the two idiots were so stupid that they hadn't even made sure they wouldn't be arrested.

"Look," Ethan said. "Just scrub the footage, and we'll go back into the coffin, no harm done. As long as we don't get in trouble because of what _you_ did, we're fine."

Annus bit his lip, starting to speak a few times before stopping himself and continuing to look nervous. "We don't... exactly know how... to do that."

Mark scoffed. "Amateurs. Didn't you have a childhood? Oh wait."

Unus narrowed his eyes, but said nothing. He was obviously struck silent by Mark's exceptional wit and way with words.

Ethan put his hand on Unus's shoulder, squeezing in a manner that was probably supposed to be comforting. "Just give us the bodies for a few hours, and we'll make sure everything is fine."

"And I suppose you'll just let us have the bodies back when we're done?" Unus asked, shrugging off Ethan's hand. "What stops us from just... _not_ giving you your bodies?"

"I mean," Mark said, "you'd have to deal with us bothering you for the rest of your short life. I'm pretty sure that'd be annoying."

Ethan began singing in a faux Italian accent. "It's the dance of Italy, hoawoaoaoaoah, it's the dance of Italy, hoawoaoah, it's the dance of Italy!"

For a moment, Unus and Annus held strong, but after a few more minutes of Ethan's awful singing, Annus's twitching grew more pronounced, and Unus kept glancing at him, seemingly concerned. 

"Fine!" Annus snarled. "You can have the bodies back, just SHUT UP!"

Mark punched the air and slid back into his body, Ethan close behind. For a moment, Ethan and Unus shared Ethan's body and Mark and Annus shared Mark's. Then Unus and Annus faded away, leaving just Mark and Ethan.

"Yes!" Mark yelled, holding up a hand for a high five.

Ethan returned the high five, grinning. "We're never giving the bodies back, aren't we."

"Nope!"

And they all lived and died happily ever after, except for Unus and Annus, who died rather unhappily in a few days time, still upset that they had been fooled but glad that they didn't have to spend their final moments listening to Ethan sing.

**Author's Note:**

> I have no excuse for this stupid thing. It exists. I wrote it. It is awful.


End file.
